Updated: Mar 16

By The Rev. Dr. Graham Standish, Executive Director

#mentalhealth #meghanmarkel #suicideawareness #emotionaltrauma #oprahwinfrey

Did you see Meghan’s and Harry’s recent Oprah Winfrey interview? It was a revelation,… and disconcerting. The couple verbalized what we at Samaritan fight against day in and day out—the social stigma surrounding mental health issues. This stigma creates a culture of crisis for millions of people every day who need help but are afraid to admit it or seek it.



Meghan’s suicidal admissions caught everyone by surprise, confessing that “I just didn’t want to be alive anymore… That was a very clear and real and frightening constant thought.” She shared how she slowly started to collapse under the blanket of isolation that comes with being part of the royal family—what she called “the institution.” Making it worse was the vicious, and sometimes racist, criticism from the British press, blaming her for creating strife that she wasn’t even involved in.


She asked for counseling but was dismissed: “I was told that I couldn’t, that it wouldn’t be good for the institution.” She sent “emails and begging for help, saying very specifically, ‘I am concerned for my mental welfare.’” They agreed that her situation was “dispropor-tionately terrible,” but then wouldn’t help because she wasn’t an employee. Where could she turn? Seeking therapy on her own would have amplified the criticism because of the stigma once the press found out. You could just imagine the British press coming up with new names for her, calling her “Mad, Mad Meghan,” or “the Disturbed Duchess.”


Harry admitted that he was “ashamed” to ask the family for help because they simply didn’t understand how the life they lived, and the pressures that life created for Meghan, could cause someone to deteriorate mentally and emotionally. They had dealt with the pressures all their lives, so they lacked compassion: “This is just how it is, this is how it is meant to be, you can’t change it. We’ve all been through it.” In other words, “toughen up, Buttercup!”


She captured in a nutshell the ignorant bias of so many when it comes to mental health. So many people falsely believe that to be strong mentally means toughing it out. Toughness doesn’t make us better. It does the exact opposite. It makes us weaker by isolating us, shrinking our resources, diminishing our compassion and empathy, and degrading our ability to connect with others and create healthy environments. Most “tough” people live isolated lives. They may have people who love them, but their distance weakens them by making them afraid of deeper, more loving relationships. They’re afraid of intimacy.


It’s also easy to dismiss Meghan’s plight by retorting, “Look at how rich she is. I wish I had her problems. Boohoo!” Maybe her situation is different from ours, but that’s a shallow reading of her quandary. Instead, look at the similarities? How many people live within unsympathetic families? How many feel imprisoned by life situations they find demeaning? How many feel powerless to verbalize their struggles? How many have reached out for help, only to be dismissively told to “deal with it,” which actually makes them less able to deal with it? How many are afraid to seek help because of the stigma associated with mental and emotional struggles (let alone spiritual struggles, which we also help with)?


Meghan’s lament feels personal to us at Samaritan because she is exactly the kind of person Samaritan helps. Okay,… we don’t deal with royalty much, but we do help people who feel isolated, criticized, dismissed, denigrated, accused, ignored, abused, and so much more. We will often talk about how we help those with “hidden wounds.”

Meghan’s wounds were hidden. Who knew that her smiling face on the cover of People Magazine hid such despair? Who knew that beneath the millions of fashionable images on the internet was a woman considering suicide? Deep wounds like these are often hidden beneath smiling faces and private lifestyles.


Growing up I saw personally how beautiful houses and lavish lifestyles can sometimes hide deep pain. At Samaritan, we’re the ones willing to look deeper and respond with care. You can’t lift the lid off Samaritan and see the healing we do, but it’s happening every day.


So, reflecting on Meghan’s interview, what can you do to overcome the stigma of mental and emotional trauma and help others? You can help people like her by doing several things:


1. If you know someone who is struggling, never, ever tell her or him to “deal with it” or “tough it out.” Refer her or him to Samaritan or another counseling agency. If you refer someone to us and we don’t have the right therapist, we will find the right therapist. Little known fact: we are so committed to healing that if we can’t help, we will find someone who can. We’re Samaritans. What we care about is healing.


2. Modulate your own thinking about mental health issues. Work on recognizing that engaging in therapy is a strength. Remember that seeking counseling reflects great strength, not weakness. Think about it. If you are going to seek counseling, you have to overcome your own stigmas against it. It takes courage to do that. So take that courageous step.


3. Be a person who cares… be a Samaritan. Encourage people who are struggling to become stronger through counseling. Meghan showed great strength in admitting her struggles. Help others to admit theirs, and help them to find help.


4. Be strong yourself by seeking your own help. If you are struggling, reach out to us. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions for people to feel better through therapy. Don’t “tough out” your own struggles. Let us or another center help you.


5. Support us in our work.



Blessings,

The Rev. N. Graham Standish, PhD, MSW, MDiv, MA


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By The Rev. Dr. Graham Standish, Executive Director

#grahamstandish #healing #control #change #collaboration #samaritancounseling


We are a perilously divided country. For a long time it has felt as though we’re on the verge of destroying each other. How do we overcome this division?


You may believe that the incoming administration simply cannot bring healing. If that’s the case what can be done to start the healing? The work Samaritan does offers guidance because we are in the personal and relational healing business. So, let me offer you some ideas that America might hear from one of our therapists if it came to us for counseling:


  • Control and change what we can; live with what we can’t: For our country and our communities, WE are the answer to healing. WE have control over how we will respond to the anger and division around us by deciding to act on our fundamental freedom—to choose whether we’ll be controlled by anger, fear, and resentment, or choose a way of love, faith, and forgiving. We are responsible for being part of the solution. There are things we can do to promote that. One is to simply cut back on our social media addictions. We can reduce our constant views on Facebook, Twitter, and more. Another huge step would be to stop watching cable news opinion shows. Watch the news. Ditch the opinion. Finally, stop arguing either in reality or in our minds with others. Surround ourselves with media and influencers and activities that nurture peace, kindness, community, and compassion.


  • Choose the path out of dysfunction: Most people misunderstand the word, “dysfunction.” It doesn’t mean “not functioning. It means “functioning in pain.” The key is the prefix, “dys,” which means “pain.” When we are dysfunctional, we create pain in others. We are in deep pain as a nation. The key to overcoming dysfunction lies in people deciding that it’s time to reduce the pain. That means that we’re responsible for lifting others up rather than tearing them down. It means that we are responsible for changing our behaviors in ways that nurture healthy relationships.




  • We can’t change their behavior, but we can change our own: We can’t force others to be committed to healing, but we can make the decision to be healing ourselves. That means changing ourselves. It’s intentional, but it is also educational. To choose a new way we have to learn new ways, which means doing things like reading, praying, and talking with others (we have both counselors and spiritual directors who can help you with this) about how to change our behaviors. We can still have our political beliefs, but do they need to spill out to the point where we are responsible for dividing our families and our communities? An important question to ask ourselves is how committed we are to helping the country heal? Decide to be a healer. Making that decision for yourself and you may inspire others to join you.


  • Healing isn’t about figuring out who’s right, it’s about figuring out how to love: One of the things that causes division to persist in marriages, communities, and nations is the constant need to be “right.” “Right” is the enemy of relationships. The need to be right—not only when we’re wrong but especially when we’re right—creates division. The more we’re convinced that the other is a fascist, a communist, a traitor, or a seditionist, the more we turn the other into an enemy. Read that again: “…the more WE turn the OTHER into an enemy.” I’ll always cherish what C.S. Lewis wrote about “rightness” and “wrongness” from the perspective of heaven in his book, The Great Divorce: “That’s what we all find when we reach [heaven]. We’ve all been wrong! That’s the great joke. There’s no need to go on pretending one was right! After that we begin living.”


  • Healing isn’t found in compromise; it’s found in collaboration: Many people think “compromise” is a bad word. I consider it to be a great word, since at its root it means making a promise with others—“with” (com) + “promise.” It’s a promise to agree in some way. Still, compromise is painful because it means giving up what I cherish with the promise that the other will give up what she or he cherishes. There’s a step beyond compromise. It’s collaboration. We may begin with compromise, but we take the next step of “laboring together”—“with” (co) + “labor” (laborare). To collaborate means to work together to achieve something greater that binds us together. We don’t just give up, we create together.


  • Healing is found in validating each other, especially when we don’t agree: What fundamentally causes division isn’t the disagreement, it’s the invalidation of another person that comes from the division. When we are deeply divided, we tend to believe that the other person has no redeeming qualities. The person is less than human, and even more, the person is unworthy of my love, consideration, or even regard. With couples in turmoil, they often invalidate each other, meaning that each believes the other is terrible and unworthy of love, respect, and care. Validating others means that we communicate in some way that we care and respect them, especially in disagreement. A quick example: once at a party at my house, a guest and I had a very strong political disagreement. Both of us were starting to get angry. In the midst of this I noticed that his glass was empty. I said, “Hey, if we’re going to continue this, you need another glass.” We walked over to the bar and I talked to him about the different wines and said, “Let me go get another bottle. I want you to try one of my favorite wines.” I validated him by basically saying, “I may disagree with you, but you are worthy of my best!”


We face a long road ahead in our country. You and I can’t change that, nor can we overcome the division by ourselves, but we can learn from therapy how to begin the healing, and that’s what we’re each responsible for.


Blessings,

The Rev. N. Graham Standish, PhD, MSW, MDiv, MA

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By The Rev. Dr. Graham Standish, Executive Director


How much more can we take?

We’re in a pandemic. People are divided. Scratch that. People are angrily and violently divided. We’ve been shuttered for ten months. We’re both scared to go out and frustrated and angry at having to stay in. We’ve lost so much! What makes it worse is that we are about to go into a Christmas season where we can’t worship, gather, and celebrate the way it should be.


How much more can we take?

Perhaps that’s the wrong question, although we will keep asking it. Perhaps we should ask, “how do we accept and adapt to what is?”


Samaritan has been a light for people throughout the pandemic and our collective cultural division. We’ve been the place thousands have turned to for help in these times because we help people develop the capacity to adapt to truly tumultuous situations.


What do we do that helps people? We help people change their perceptions and their reactions to what’s taking place. There are a lot of different techniques and approaches we use, depending on the therapist and the client, but they all work on doing one thing—getting us to live in the NOW—in that place where we are aware of, and appreciate, what is rather than what we wish it would be.


Most of us don’t live in the here and now. We live too much in the past. We live in the pains of our past, as the misguided lessons of previous mental and spiritual wounds cause us to act in sometimes self-defeating, other times other-defeating, ways. I know that’s true for me. For a whole collection of reasons from my past I have constant, nagging feelings that people just don’t like me. I’m always surprised when I discover the people do like me. My wounded feelings can tempt me to react in ways that are self-destructive, and I have to constantly let those feelings fade into the past so I can connect with people in the present and live wisely.


We can live too much in the fears and anxieties of the future. Americans are obsessed with the future. Sometimes that’s warranted. Most of the time it’s not. We live in the anxieties of “what if.” Whether it’s the pandemic, the election, the state of the country, the state of the world, or worries over our jobs, our health, our relationships, our success, our failure, . . . our everything.


One of my favorite movie characters of all time is Master Oogway, the wise turtle from the film, Kung Fu Panda. He captured our struggles in one of his quotes: “You are too concerned about what was and what will be.” That describes about 90% of us.


We don’t just live too much in the past and future. We can also live too much in other places. So many people think that if they can just get a new job, move to a new city, move onto a new relationship, then things will get automatically better. In some cases that’s true, but more often what happens is something a pastor said to me after moving to a new church: “I though all my problems were behind me, but I found them already waiting for me in my new office.”


So how do we overcome all of this. Then answer is living into the NOW. I’ll quote Master Oogway again: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift.

That’s why they call it the present.” It’s not just this cartoon character dispensing this wisdom. His wisdom comes from a variety of traditions and fields.


One form of therapy all of our therapists are trained in is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It focuses on retraining us to think in ways that are grounded in what is rather than what our anxieties and worries teach us might be. Those trained in an older form of therapy, Reality Therapy, are trained in immersing clients in focusing on reality rather than imagination. Most other forms of therapy also do this in one form or another, focusing on what our life can be if we’re willing to let go of the past and the future, and reshape ourselves in the NOW.


The more recent focus in therapy on meditation and mindfulness lets the past be the past and the future to be what will be. The concepts of “mindfulness” and “meditation” came to the psycho-therapeutic world out of Buddhist practice, but it’s not as though Christianity hasn’t had a similar focus since the beginning.


In Christianity this idea of letting yesterday be history and tomorrow be mystery goes by a number of names: living in the present moment, living in the Eternal Now, contemplation, recollection. Jesus talks about it in his Sermon on the Mount: “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34). The original monastic movements in Christianity were started by people living in tumultuous times (such as invading barbarian tribes and spreading pandemics) as they sought to live intentionally in the now. Other Christians followed their focus, if not their lifestyle, trying to live in the now whatever their situation was.


Whatever the name it goes by, the collective wisdom of living in the NOW applies to us today in the midst of the pandemic and divisiveness. People are fighting today over personal freedoms, but the real freedom in life isn’t whether or not we have to stay in and wear masks. Real freedom is found when we’re able to disconnect from anxieties, fears, compulsions, frustrations, anger in order to live in a space of calm, free from destructive emotions, where wisdom, health, and happiness truly reside. Too few today live wisely because they won’t live in the NOW—in that place where we are aware of our past, understand the need to prepare for the future, but are able to accept and adapt to what actually is. Living in the NOW means living in a place of healthy acceptance where our decision-making and life choices come out of the place where our psychology, our spirituality, and reality meet.


We have the resources to help you, whether that’s through counseling or spiritual direction, and I hope that if you decide in the new year to live more intentionally, you’ll let us be part of that transformation.


Blessings,

The Rev. N. Graham Standish, PhD, MSW, MDiv, MA

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